I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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