you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
