Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It's official drugs can't kill me
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
