I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize