Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
