I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
