There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
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