In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
