can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
