somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm passing your future prison.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You may now shotgun with the bride
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
