You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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