Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
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I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
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On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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