I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
