The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
