Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
