I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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