Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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