Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
