you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I touched a dick in church today
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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