i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
