There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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