When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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