it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
