giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
