dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
