Just fell off a train. Bad.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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