But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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