My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
MIDGETS
????
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
