Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
