He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
