Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
