i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
