It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
