my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
