I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
