did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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