so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
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So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
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Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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