I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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