Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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