So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
