hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I still have a little drunk in my system
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
