My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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