Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
