dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
