The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
