I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
