I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
