I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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