The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
