I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
