How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i out mim tonsoeep
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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