I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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