So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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