Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
