Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
