how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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