Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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