wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
