For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
